Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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