her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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