Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
