Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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