4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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