don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
