She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize