It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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