dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
