I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
