but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
