it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
