Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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