i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
