she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
