I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
