DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
