I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
