I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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