His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
