i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
