He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
