even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
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come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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