end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
