Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
