I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Fuck appropriateness.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
