Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
