My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
