the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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