Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
