My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
