I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He better not be in your backpack
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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