He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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