wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
