my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Randomize
