I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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