I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
