I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
