I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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