i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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