was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
