Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
