I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
