Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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