Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
