I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
