At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
