dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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