he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
