Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
FUCK WHALES
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
