just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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