pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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