I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
