At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
