I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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