I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
